Every once in awhile, for no aparant reason. Well, that is a lie. There is always something that triggers it.
Restart. Honest this time. Every once in awhile my mind goes back to my 15 year old self and my heart quickly follows.
P.S. God really has a sense of humor. I haven’t had a real nights sleep in weeks and I could be sleeping right now. But nope. He slaps this on my heart so thick it was LITERALLY blog it out or puke it out. So here I am…blogging. Okay sorry, so anyways…
15 years old. Go into High School jacked up on Jesus with a little bit of ornery. I might have smoked a grapevine or two, but my heart was in love with Jesus and my soul longed to tell the world about him. I quickly lost every close friend I had because they were allowed to “go to town” and I wasn’t. So they found new “upperclassman” friends and there I was completely feeling left out and alone. Beginning of insecurity.
I am kinda fun. Okay I’m a blast. Yes, I know that sounds a little arrogant but I am. I stink at ALOT but I’m good at having fun. So with all of my friends leaving me out, the boys noticed my lonely self and they were FUN! I loved the guys! They were fun and didn’t leave me out. Let me just take a quick time out right here. I was 15. I had been French kissed once and thought it was the grossest thing that had ever happened to my mouth ever. Promise. I had not hit puberty. Literally. So when I say fun, I mean acting like a nut, running through the halls, sneaking out to go tell spooky stories…ornery but totally innocent fun. Looking back, a few of these guys were in a whole different mind frame then me (hence the one time a guy tried to get close to me in a truck and I wouldn’t …which led to me literally getting shoved and drove right back to my friends house). I thought we were just gonna crank the music and hit the dirt roads with the windows down being crazy…….wasn’t long after that my life forever changed. Forever.
It wasn’t long after that I had the meanest thing happen to me. The meanest prank that I could ever imagine anyone doing was done to me. On purpose. By mean girls. Girls that assumed things that were not true. I have never had a panick attack. But if I was to imagine one, I would imagine that 15 year old girl walking into the high school bathroom after this prank occurred. The girl in the bathroom stall that literally couldn’t breathe. Her heart physically broken, her legs gone to jelly, her soul crushed, her innocence gone.
I can’t type out the details of what occurred in that bathroom because it’s still just too painful really……or maybe I don’t know how to rightly transfer the feelings to words. But the girl that walked out of that bathroom was somebody else.
I walked out the only way I knew how. I could never experience this again. Ever. I could never be soft again. Ever. I walked out a woman. I could have chosen to feel and deal or put my shield up and face the fire. I chose the later. I walked out with my shoulders back, head held high and with more attitude than I knew I had. Bring it on. I chose to leave what happened right there in the bathroom and never spoke of it for 14 years. I buried it. And that girl.
I tell you that to tell you this. I am 32 years old and this still effects me. Even in the recent years of my life I have had “friends” break my heart and crush my spirit. When this happens my first instinct takes me right back to that girl. Just pain. Deep hurtful pain. But then I open the word of God!!!! I OPEN THE WORD OF GOD!!!!! And my heart softens to Him. My confidence returns through Him. My insecurities escape through Him. And my hurt heart once again, begins the journey to healing through HIM. So I am going to speak to 2 different groups here.
To the 15 year old girl. If this was who you related with, this is for you. First, vocalize what happened to you. Tell somebody and release it. Don’t waste another day keeping it inside of you. It’s the enemies way of holding you back. Once you do, be prepared. The enemy will fight harder for you because telling it is the beginning of a beautiful journey to walking in God’s purpose for your life. Not long after I told my story, my marriage was in shambles, my walk with God was in shambles. I felt more alone than I ever have. I got hurt deeply by the ones I love most. My family got torn apart….. I was hanging on by a thread. I ALMOST let the enemy get ahold again. Guess what?! Because I made mistakes, “friends” turned their backs on me. Christian friends. Leaders in the church friends. I want you to know something. It’s not you. It’s them. It’s insecurities. Pray for them. Because something has happened to them for them to be insecure. See, we were all just an innocent kid at some point until something happened. There are no “sides”. It is spiritual warfare. You have to see it for what it is. You are fighting the enemy, not the human. They will come to you one day, if they truly seek Jesus. And they will tell you sorry. And they will love you as a Christian should. Until then, you beautiful child of God! Chin up! Eyes on the prize! JESUS! You are free! You are forgiven and Jesus died on that cross so that you can walk in that freedom! So walk in it! You have been made clean!
1 John 3: 14 “If we love our Christian brothers and sisters, it proves that we have passed from death to life; but a person who has no love is still dead.”
And to the one that has turned your nose up or given an old friend the cold shoulder……because of their actions or choices. To the ones who have done this to me: Jude 5:20 says “But you, dear friends, must build each other up in your most holy faith, pray in the power of the Holy Spirit, and await the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will bring you eternal life. In this way, you will keep yourselves safe in Gods love.” Because I have been on this side myself, I know it boils down to insecurities. I’ve been there and I get it. You are missing God’s purpose in your life because you are chained down to this darkness. You are trying to control. Let it go. Let it go. Trust God. You don’t have to trust people, but you do have to trust God if you say you believe in Him. And you do have to treat others the way Christ would if you claim you are a Christain. God loves you. He will protect you. Go say sorry. Show others the same grace and mercy that God has so beautifully showered you with your whole life. There is no sin they have committed that is greater than the grudge you hold against them. Not in Gods eyes. And isn’t that all that matters?
Tbis might make no sense to anybody or maybe someone can relate. My prayer is that someone else finds freedom earlier than I did…no matter which side they find themselves on. Break the chains and live FREE!!!
Now God, can I please go to sleep??? ……..love, Laine